Today was my first day since leaving my job, and I have four days lined up this week with a mental health charity, local to me. They have some shops in the community, as well as their office from which they do a great deal of community and outreach work both including hospital visits, in-home support and education sessions – they do one called mental first aid, in schools . They also have a day centre which is where I was to be spending some time.
When I arrived I met the OT who talked to me more about the work that the charity does and a bit about the history of mental health. She qualified 25 years ago and told me how different it was then. Most patients were sent to asylums, and it was much more about protecting them and caring for them rather than empowering. They’d all be in a bit of a “daze” and have a few arts and crafts classes etc. She told me how day centres have also now become old fashioned, they used to have many more – because of the concept of social inclusion. They’re now trying to shift many of the practices in the day centre away from arts and crafts and 50 people on a coach to southend and aim to make it much more collaborative – getting the clients involved in creating their own sessions and she talked of how they all took themselves to Brighton by train last week.
This split or change in how mental health issues have been dealt with was particularly interesting when we talked about the work they did with carers. They have an older age group of carers for whom their children have spent so many decades in more of an institutionalised setting that the only help they now want is a place to vent. And a younger set of carers for whom their children are being treated with more modern techniques and who are watching them start to get better or be able to cope more effectively. Apparently because these sets of carers have had such different experiences, they run very different sessions for them.
The session that was supposed to take place today was specifically employment advice. The lady leading the session is a recruitment consultant by trade and now works for the charity, from this angle, discussing with clients how they can get back into jobs, or if they’re not ready, into voluntary work – giving them help with CVs and interview tips and sometimes going into the workplace to discuss issues with employers. We had an interesting conversation about equality and how employers handle the issue of mental health. I know I’ve read on the Community Care website lots of people who say they wouldn’t tell their bosses about depression for fear of discrimination. Apparently she tends to advise people who are going into the private sector not to declare if it they don’t need to, but in the social care world, she explained that if they met the job spec, and have a mental health issue, many are guaranteed an interview – a form of positive discrimination – or perhaps just additional experience with the fields they’re looking at.
We had a chat about the benefits trap too and how she’d found in many cases financially there was no advantage to these people working and they often lacked the motivation if it would only give them £20 more than benefits did.
Unfortunately, no one turned up to the session today, they usually get a few – one had called to say they couldn’t make it and the other 1 or 2 didn’t show. So I was sent home but am back tomorrow for next few days for when the rest of the programmes open up at the day centre. Apparently they get around 25 people so I’m looking forward to that.
Monday, 15 August 2011
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Another shift in the shelter...and getting closer to student-dom
I did my third shift in the homeless shelter yesterday. And I really enjoyed it.
At the start I felt a little useless as due to the warm weather, pretty much everyone was asleep but I soon moved outside to chat to the smokers – I always find it really interesting just learning about people’s lives and stories and how they came to be where they are. I guess its one of the privileges you get when you’re just volunteering, with no real timelines or pressure to get anything else done, just to be able to sit and chat with people.
I spoke to three such different people last night – one that really struck a chord was only 20 and was so easy to get along with – it just makes you think about what really makes you similar or different to people. I found it much easier to chat to him than I do with some of my own colleagues – I guess who is to say what barriers or labels make you similar to someone. He was an incredibly passionate guy – and was really excited to get himself back on his feet and hopefully back in drama, the one subject he’s always loved. We also had quite an interesting chat about religion. He was asking me if I believe in god and he was saying how important religion is to him. I asked him if he sometimes wondered how there could be a god when he’s had to go through so much shit. He just talked about how others have it so much worse and that there must be a reason, maybe he did something wrong. The amount of hope and positivity I find in this shelter, among people who frankly have every right to just have a moment of wallowing and despair, is incredibly inspiring. As he was from Cameroon he also spoke French and so I got a mini French lesson – it’s been 10 years since I’ve done any so that was interesting but he had a lot of patience!
I find it quite difficult to tell fact from fiction – and it’s sometime halfway through someone’s story that I realise they’ve contradicted something they said earlier and that perhaps I need to be a little less naïve/trusting. I’m sure often it’s not intentional lies at all – they’ve had plenty of time to come up with their own versions of stories and many also have mental health issues so I’m not trying to make it black and white – I just think it’s a learning for me.
Another slightly odd situation was after I’d been chatting to one guy for quite a while, one of the other volunteers came up to me and said she’d been told not to sit with this guy alone as he was a potential sex offender. I thought perhaps I should have been told that when I arrived! But fortunately the setting is very safe and you never feel too alone - plus I have an alarm round me so I wasn’t too worried!
I also spent time chatting to the other volunteers, who because it was quieter, had more time than normal. It was nice to meet one volunteer who is currently a journalist but about to make the same move as me into social work – but in a year’s time. It was great to just chat about the journey of moving back home and giving up our salary and share some of our fears and excitement –the things we’d miss about our job (for me the creativity) and the things we wouldn’t (the soul-lessness and general sense of making up crap most of the time!). And chatted to another guy who is working as a support worker there. One of our conversations was about how the shelter was being run. They don’t have any beds or bedding there because they don’t want to encourage people to stay longer than necessary – it’s very much a hub to assess and reconnect people. But we weren’t sure how comfortable we were with this and thought their should be more of a balance – I had to tell an older guy that he’d have to sleep on the bare wooden floor because he didn’t get to the soft chairs in time…(in the end they did give him a duvet to lie on but they tend not to.) I understand some of their rationale but there’s an element of humanity to this matter – and although they’re not supposed to stay long, the truth is there are cases where they are there closer to a week or even two, and if that’s the case, it’s feels like providing them with some basic bedding would be the compassionate thing to do.
But anyway.
I have a week left of work now, I leave next Friday, so it’s all getting closer and more exciting. I’m waiting to hear news of my first placement at uni – and I’m spending my first week after I leave work, volunteering in a mental health day setting. I’m also going to hopefully be working on a mini project for the WhoCares trust – speaking to children in care about some government consultations, and I’m off to Nottingham to shadow @fluffosaur which I’m very excited about, among other things. Plus lots of pre reading to keep me busy…along with my upcoming birthday…and my charity event (I run a charity and we have a big annual 10k run/walk coming up in Hyde Park in 2 weeks time) so it’s busy and exciting times!
At the start I felt a little useless as due to the warm weather, pretty much everyone was asleep but I soon moved outside to chat to the smokers – I always find it really interesting just learning about people’s lives and stories and how they came to be where they are. I guess its one of the privileges you get when you’re just volunteering, with no real timelines or pressure to get anything else done, just to be able to sit and chat with people.
I spoke to three such different people last night – one that really struck a chord was only 20 and was so easy to get along with – it just makes you think about what really makes you similar or different to people. I found it much easier to chat to him than I do with some of my own colleagues – I guess who is to say what barriers or labels make you similar to someone. He was an incredibly passionate guy – and was really excited to get himself back on his feet and hopefully back in drama, the one subject he’s always loved. We also had quite an interesting chat about religion. He was asking me if I believe in god and he was saying how important religion is to him. I asked him if he sometimes wondered how there could be a god when he’s had to go through so much shit. He just talked about how others have it so much worse and that there must be a reason, maybe he did something wrong. The amount of hope and positivity I find in this shelter, among people who frankly have every right to just have a moment of wallowing and despair, is incredibly inspiring. As he was from Cameroon he also spoke French and so I got a mini French lesson – it’s been 10 years since I’ve done any so that was interesting but he had a lot of patience!
I find it quite difficult to tell fact from fiction – and it’s sometime halfway through someone’s story that I realise they’ve contradicted something they said earlier and that perhaps I need to be a little less naïve/trusting. I’m sure often it’s not intentional lies at all – they’ve had plenty of time to come up with their own versions of stories and many also have mental health issues so I’m not trying to make it black and white – I just think it’s a learning for me.
Another slightly odd situation was after I’d been chatting to one guy for quite a while, one of the other volunteers came up to me and said she’d been told not to sit with this guy alone as he was a potential sex offender. I thought perhaps I should have been told that when I arrived! But fortunately the setting is very safe and you never feel too alone - plus I have an alarm round me so I wasn’t too worried!
I also spent time chatting to the other volunteers, who because it was quieter, had more time than normal. It was nice to meet one volunteer who is currently a journalist but about to make the same move as me into social work – but in a year’s time. It was great to just chat about the journey of moving back home and giving up our salary and share some of our fears and excitement –the things we’d miss about our job (for me the creativity) and the things we wouldn’t (the soul-lessness and general sense of making up crap most of the time!). And chatted to another guy who is working as a support worker there. One of our conversations was about how the shelter was being run. They don’t have any beds or bedding there because they don’t want to encourage people to stay longer than necessary – it’s very much a hub to assess and reconnect people. But we weren’t sure how comfortable we were with this and thought their should be more of a balance – I had to tell an older guy that he’d have to sleep on the bare wooden floor because he didn’t get to the soft chairs in time…(in the end they did give him a duvet to lie on but they tend not to.) I understand some of their rationale but there’s an element of humanity to this matter – and although they’re not supposed to stay long, the truth is there are cases where they are there closer to a week or even two, and if that’s the case, it’s feels like providing them with some basic bedding would be the compassionate thing to do.
But anyway.
I have a week left of work now, I leave next Friday, so it’s all getting closer and more exciting. I’m waiting to hear news of my first placement at uni – and I’m spending my first week after I leave work, volunteering in a mental health day setting. I’m also going to hopefully be working on a mini project for the WhoCares trust – speaking to children in care about some government consultations, and I’m off to Nottingham to shadow @fluffosaur which I’m very excited about, among other things. Plus lots of pre reading to keep me busy…along with my upcoming birthday…and my charity event (I run a charity and we have a big annual 10k run/walk coming up in Hyde Park in 2 weeks time) so it’s busy and exciting times!
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Second homeless shift
So, last night I had my second shift at the homeless shelter. It was great to just feel a little more confident, knowing the kind of things I’d be doing.
When I arrived, I saw the guy I’d been chatting with last time, who had been promised a hostel for 3 months but it had fallen through. He talked to me all about gangs in his neighbourhood, and was showing me YouTube videos of all the different rapping gangs and the people he knew. It was quite interesting understanding all about his neighbourhood and the rivalries. Music is obviously a really big form of expression and he ended up playing me a pretty sad Plan B song, with many lyrics around death and telling me it’s how he’s felt every day since he was 13. It was a pretty emotional experience and also made me reflect on my role within that situation – I saw it as there to be a good listener mainly, I’m not really there to offer therapy and advice but hopefully just to make him heard and if possible, offer the odd word of encouragement – reinforcing some of his positive traits.
A few other interesting experiences or thoughts – one was around the community within the shelter. Most of these people had only spent a day or two with each other, before they get assessed and moved on but there is a huge amount of compassion. Last night one of the guys there had clear mental health needs, he was talking to himself loudly, particularly when he was trying to sleep. Although for some there was frustration, there was also just an amazing amount of care – one of the guys stood over him, offering him tea, coffee, a cigarette, checking he was ok, helping to make up a bed for him out of soft chairs so he didn’t end up on the floor. I found it a really humbling experience.
Another thing was about power – it really came to me quite how little power the guests had in this situation. The guy I was speaking to at the start didn’t want to be moved to a B&B just for one night but he was told he had no choice as there wasn’t enough room here. When you get to this situation, it seems a lot is out of your control and it must be incredibly difficult, no to mention unstable, just going along with what you’re told, not knowing what will happen from one day to the next – forming relationships with people who you may not see again after the next two days, constantly on the move. I’d struggle hugely with that – and it reminds me of similar situations of children being moved around foster homes so regularly.
I think those were the main thoughts from last night – as well as just the general friendly atmosphere within the place. I really enjoyed my shift again.
I ended the evening trying to persuade my mum to foster and deciding I want to adopt siblings.
All in an evening’s work!
When I arrived, I saw the guy I’d been chatting with last time, who had been promised a hostel for 3 months but it had fallen through. He talked to me all about gangs in his neighbourhood, and was showing me YouTube videos of all the different rapping gangs and the people he knew. It was quite interesting understanding all about his neighbourhood and the rivalries. Music is obviously a really big form of expression and he ended up playing me a pretty sad Plan B song, with many lyrics around death and telling me it’s how he’s felt every day since he was 13. It was a pretty emotional experience and also made me reflect on my role within that situation – I saw it as there to be a good listener mainly, I’m not really there to offer therapy and advice but hopefully just to make him heard and if possible, offer the odd word of encouragement – reinforcing some of his positive traits.
A few other interesting experiences or thoughts – one was around the community within the shelter. Most of these people had only spent a day or two with each other, before they get assessed and moved on but there is a huge amount of compassion. Last night one of the guys there had clear mental health needs, he was talking to himself loudly, particularly when he was trying to sleep. Although for some there was frustration, there was also just an amazing amount of care – one of the guys stood over him, offering him tea, coffee, a cigarette, checking he was ok, helping to make up a bed for him out of soft chairs so he didn’t end up on the floor. I found it a really humbling experience.
Another thing was about power – it really came to me quite how little power the guests had in this situation. The guy I was speaking to at the start didn’t want to be moved to a B&B just for one night but he was told he had no choice as there wasn’t enough room here. When you get to this situation, it seems a lot is out of your control and it must be incredibly difficult, no to mention unstable, just going along with what you’re told, not knowing what will happen from one day to the next – forming relationships with people who you may not see again after the next two days, constantly on the move. I’d struggle hugely with that – and it reminds me of similar situations of children being moved around foster homes so regularly.
I think those were the main thoughts from last night – as well as just the general friendly atmosphere within the place. I really enjoyed my shift again.
I ended the evening trying to persuade my mum to foster and deciding I want to adopt siblings.
All in an evening’s work!
Friday, 15 July 2011
Endings and beginnings
One of my friends asked me this week if I’d blogged about my resignation from adland. I hadn’t, mainly because I thought it was pretty self indulgent to do so and not of particular interest.
However I’ve decided to write a short post on it, mainly because I see my blog as a bit of a personal diary, about endings and beginnings and new experiences and for me, resigning from adland was quite a big deal.
In the words of my favourite film (Sound of Music) - "when the lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window". THe Lord aside, i feel like my window is opening!
It didn’t quite come about as intended, I wasn’t due to resign for another 3 weeks but working with my boss had become slightly unmanageable and having been miserable in the agency for quite a long time, it felt right to cut it short and get out. I’m now really excited to be working out my notice and moving onto something that I feel passionately about.
I got some interesting responses at work, mainly asking how I’d decided to make such a drastic change and one funny email “Social work! A real job! You make me feel bad, I hate you!”. Fair enough.
So as I write, things are changing all around me. I’ve sent in my placement request form, I have my 2nd shift in the homeless placement on Monday, I have 4 weeks left in adland, am hoping to secure a couple more weeks of voluntary experience after that and am gearing up to my first day at uni, Sept 20th by trying to make important decisions such as what size files to buy and whether being back at uni calls for a pencil case!
It’s quite odd being at this point in a profession changing so fast – reading about recommendations ie from the Munro report and the Dilnot report that may or may not affect me in a few years or even about BASW and College of Social Work in their will they, won’t they collaboration. One of the most difficult things is reading so many posts on Community Care from people who are leaving or trying to leave the industry, some after only a year after feeling burnt out or frustrated by having to give news to service users that they didn’t feel were the right decisions. It feels like a scary time to be joining but I hope that there will be some more positive change over the next few years and that perhaps in the future it will be something I can contribute to.
I’m hoping to look into London SWAN as something I heard about at the student social work conference – campaigning feels like an important aspect of the advocacy role of social workers, but I won’t comment further until I go to a meeting.
However I’ve decided to write a short post on it, mainly because I see my blog as a bit of a personal diary, about endings and beginnings and new experiences and for me, resigning from adland was quite a big deal.
In the words of my favourite film (Sound of Music) - "when the lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window". THe Lord aside, i feel like my window is opening!
It didn’t quite come about as intended, I wasn’t due to resign for another 3 weeks but working with my boss had become slightly unmanageable and having been miserable in the agency for quite a long time, it felt right to cut it short and get out. I’m now really excited to be working out my notice and moving onto something that I feel passionately about.
I got some interesting responses at work, mainly asking how I’d decided to make such a drastic change and one funny email “Social work! A real job! You make me feel bad, I hate you!”. Fair enough.
So as I write, things are changing all around me. I’ve sent in my placement request form, I have my 2nd shift in the homeless placement on Monday, I have 4 weeks left in adland, am hoping to secure a couple more weeks of voluntary experience after that and am gearing up to my first day at uni, Sept 20th by trying to make important decisions such as what size files to buy and whether being back at uni calls for a pencil case!
It’s quite odd being at this point in a profession changing so fast – reading about recommendations ie from the Munro report and the Dilnot report that may or may not affect me in a few years or even about BASW and College of Social Work in their will they, won’t they collaboration. One of the most difficult things is reading so many posts on Community Care from people who are leaving or trying to leave the industry, some after only a year after feeling burnt out or frustrated by having to give news to service users that they didn’t feel were the right decisions. It feels like a scary time to be joining but I hope that there will be some more positive change over the next few years and that perhaps in the future it will be something I can contribute to.
I’m hoping to look into London SWAN as something I heard about at the student social work conference – campaigning feels like an important aspect of the advocacy role of social workers, but I won’t comment further until I go to a meeting.
Friday, 8 July 2011
First shift in a homeless project
I blogged a little while ago about how hard it is to find voluntary work around a full time job. Well, last night I had my first experience of a voluntary shift with the homeless pilot No Second Night Out. It’s plan, though not as literal as the title suggests, is one of early intervention, working with homeless people who are new to sleeping rough. The plan is for the outreach team to bring these people in, to give them an assessment and then to generally try to reconnect them with their home area, if its safe to do so – in the interim they can remain at the hub for 3 days, although there are no beds, or may be put up in a B&B/hostel if the plan takes longer.
The main thing is how glad I was to get the experience to volunteer in a setting like this. It is a million miles from anything I’ve done and I apologise in advance for the insights in the rest of the blog, that were for me so new but to anyone who may read this, quite possibly ridiculously basic and obvious!
I was slightly anxious before I did my shift as to how I’d engage with the guests, but that was immediately overcome as they were an incredibly friendly and also very funny bunch of people. Most, as new to being homeless, were not dependent on alcohol or drugs and seemed in the most part to be in relatively good spirits. From the start they were interested in getting to know me and one in particular was joking around for the most of the session, trying to find out where I lived but in a harmless way. It was interesting though, this question of boundaries. It was obvious I wasn’t going to tell him where I lived and was happy to joke with him – “ok so tell me a shop near you” – errm “sainsburys”…but it did remind me of many of the things I’d learnt in my child mentoring training about ensuring you keep your boundaries in place. I had a great chat with one about the book he’s hoping to write about living as a homeless man – I discussed with him many of the books ive recently read on the subject (Stuart, Wasted etc) which he wrote down, and then in a slightly surreal way, we got on to the ad campaign I’ve worked on which has just launched and apparently they’d all seen – we got onto discussing why we chose Van Damme to star in the coors light ad over another celeb and then one was asking me about some of the strategies in the ads that were coming on while we watched tv.
I guess I was kind of relieved that it was so easy to have such light conversation, if anything perhaps serving to relax and slightly distract them from this interim phase they were currently in. While some were clearly quieter and more anxious, they did seem to be laughing and enjoying the general chat.
Later on in the evening one of them asked if anyone was doing a sandwich run. I’d been told that certain cafes sometimes call if they had extra food but I knew none had so far. I called up a couple and was glad to find two were happy to donate. I was then asked to go with some of the guests to pick up the food from the station – a 20 minute walk away. If I’m honest, I guess this was the first time I felt slightly uncertain. It ended up being just two of us, and although I was actually getting on very well with the guest, I wasn’t entirely sure how safe I felt as it was getting dark. We had a really interesting conversation and he told me more about his life and completely inspired me with his positive attitude but there were times as he talked about prison that I was a little nervous. I find this a difficult issue – as a SW-er you’re naturally going to be working with service users who’ve faced a number of issues, time in prison being one of them and in many ways my nervousness felt immature and naïve but another part was aware it was also at night and in a setting I wasn’t familiar with. I suppose it just led me to think about when it’s ok to say no or ask for another volunteer to go with, vs just getting used to something new. In this situation there were no more volunteers to come anyway, so if I didn’t go, there would be no food for the shelter, but I also appreciate that in theory that’s not my responsibility.
Anyway an interesting dilemma for me.
Beyond that, I got so much out of it.
Recently at the student social work conference, one of the emotional development points was about thinking of three things that make you happy before you go to sleep. Last night so much was in my mind, and although cheesy, I just felt ridiculously lucky to have my own comfortable bed –thinking of these people having to sleep on chairs and on the floor in sleeping bags, sharing with others they don’t know – it must feel at times pretty humiliating or difficult to keep your dignity.
Anyway, I look forward to my next shift in a fortnight.
The main thing is how glad I was to get the experience to volunteer in a setting like this. It is a million miles from anything I’ve done and I apologise in advance for the insights in the rest of the blog, that were for me so new but to anyone who may read this, quite possibly ridiculously basic and obvious!
I was slightly anxious before I did my shift as to how I’d engage with the guests, but that was immediately overcome as they were an incredibly friendly and also very funny bunch of people. Most, as new to being homeless, were not dependent on alcohol or drugs and seemed in the most part to be in relatively good spirits. From the start they were interested in getting to know me and one in particular was joking around for the most of the session, trying to find out where I lived but in a harmless way. It was interesting though, this question of boundaries. It was obvious I wasn’t going to tell him where I lived and was happy to joke with him – “ok so tell me a shop near you” – errm “sainsburys”…but it did remind me of many of the things I’d learnt in my child mentoring training about ensuring you keep your boundaries in place. I had a great chat with one about the book he’s hoping to write about living as a homeless man – I discussed with him many of the books ive recently read on the subject (Stuart, Wasted etc) which he wrote down, and then in a slightly surreal way, we got on to the ad campaign I’ve worked on which has just launched and apparently they’d all seen – we got onto discussing why we chose Van Damme to star in the coors light ad over another celeb and then one was asking me about some of the strategies in the ads that were coming on while we watched tv.
I guess I was kind of relieved that it was so easy to have such light conversation, if anything perhaps serving to relax and slightly distract them from this interim phase they were currently in. While some were clearly quieter and more anxious, they did seem to be laughing and enjoying the general chat.
Later on in the evening one of them asked if anyone was doing a sandwich run. I’d been told that certain cafes sometimes call if they had extra food but I knew none had so far. I called up a couple and was glad to find two were happy to donate. I was then asked to go with some of the guests to pick up the food from the station – a 20 minute walk away. If I’m honest, I guess this was the first time I felt slightly uncertain. It ended up being just two of us, and although I was actually getting on very well with the guest, I wasn’t entirely sure how safe I felt as it was getting dark. We had a really interesting conversation and he told me more about his life and completely inspired me with his positive attitude but there were times as he talked about prison that I was a little nervous. I find this a difficult issue – as a SW-er you’re naturally going to be working with service users who’ve faced a number of issues, time in prison being one of them and in many ways my nervousness felt immature and naïve but another part was aware it was also at night and in a setting I wasn’t familiar with. I suppose it just led me to think about when it’s ok to say no or ask for another volunteer to go with, vs just getting used to something new. In this situation there were no more volunteers to come anyway, so if I didn’t go, there would be no food for the shelter, but I also appreciate that in theory that’s not my responsibility.
Anyway an interesting dilemma for me.
Beyond that, I got so much out of it.
Recently at the student social work conference, one of the emotional development points was about thinking of three things that make you happy before you go to sleep. Last night so much was in my mind, and although cheesy, I just felt ridiculously lucky to have my own comfortable bed –thinking of these people having to sleep on chairs and on the floor in sleeping bags, sharing with others they don’t know – it must feel at times pretty humiliating or difficult to keep your dignity.
Anyway, I look forward to my next shift in a fortnight.
Saturday, 2 July 2011
Sibling contact post adoption
I read quite a heartbreaking blog earlier today http://goo.gl/d3nRU about retaining sibling contact post adoption.
It struck a chord with me as one of those actions that as a SW-er you really wouldn’t want to do – telling a child they couldn’t see their sibling again for a long time because he/she has been adopted, particularly if you strongly disagree with this decision.
I don’t really understand the rationale behind this.
Everything I have read on the topic places primary importance in forming attachments and it seems the primary objective with LAC is always to try to return them to their birth family where possible.
If this isn’t possible, where there is a loving relationship with a sibling, or at least not an abusive relationship, I would have thought following similar logic that even if one child is adopted, retaining a relationship with their birth sibling would be really important. It must be even more difficult to make sense of your identity if you are cut off from all members of your birth family.
“There is evidence that the presence of siblings minimizes the trauma of parental separations or losses. A twelve-month-old child spends nearly as much time interacting with older siblings as with the mother. Siblings may become transitional objects for one another during a placement. This is particularly important with very young children….Separating siblings can make it more difficult to children to deal with separation and loss, begin a healing process, make attachments, and develop a healthy self-image….Attachments are particularly strong between the caregiver child and the younger siblings. Separation of them may lead to lifelong grief.” - Vera Fahlberg, A Child’s Journey Through Placement.
I’m trying to understand the benefits of this lack of contact.
I appreciate from the adoptive family’s viewpoint that forming a new cohesive unit is important but I’m interested to understand when it is in the child’s best interest for that sibling contact to be entirely cut off.
According to S.P. Banks and M.D. Kahn, authors of The Sibling Bond, the bond between brothers and sisters is unique. “It is the longest lasting relationship most people have. It is often longer than the parent-child relationship. Most often it outlives the husband-wife relationship. While contact may lessen throughout the years, a person’s lifetime quest for personal identity is vitally interwoven with his or her siblings.”
I read that these are two of the potential reasons but to me they don’t seem particularly child-centred:
For some adoptive parents, fear is the reason they end contact between their child and his or her siblings. “We’ve had our son now for over a year. He rarely mentions his sister anymore. I guess I don’t see any importance in opening up old wounds. I am afraid of having to deal with his past,” one adoptive dad commented.
Other parents disrupt contact because they feel the child is now a member of their family. A fact that is true, but some parents desire to erase all memory of the child’s life before the adoption and begin with a blank slate. Joan, a new adoptive mom, put it this way: ” I want this child to have the opportunity to go on with his life, without the constant reminder of his past. Keeping him away from his two sisters will do that, won’t it?”
And I read this, which I guess is where my head is at – but I’d be interested to hear about when there are other factors (not things like abusive relationships between the siblings) which I’m not even considering:
• The best interest of the children must be the priority. For children who now have contact with their siblings, family must be open to some type of continued contact. If face-to-face contact is not possible because of distance or other uncontrollable factors, pictures should be exchanged and addresses shared so that the fear of losing the sibling to death or disappearance is minimized.
• Honor the child’s wishes about how and when he want to keep in touch with brothers and sisters. Contact between siblings who have been separated for a length of time must be handled with sensitivity and appropriate timing.
• Recognize that although the child has been adopted into a new family, memories of brothers and sisters cannot be erased, ignored, or denied. Although grafted into a new family tree, a portion of the roots may still cling to another.
I imagine it’s quite difficult for the siblings, particularly the one who remains in care (assuming they do) to see their sibling with a loving adoptive family if they have been less happy in their current situation – but could this be a secondary family for them, almost like distant relatives? Or am I expecting too much from the adoptive family here?
Apologies if this is a not a particularly well thought through post, I think I’m just thinking out loud!
It struck a chord with me as one of those actions that as a SW-er you really wouldn’t want to do – telling a child they couldn’t see their sibling again for a long time because he/she has been adopted, particularly if you strongly disagree with this decision.
I don’t really understand the rationale behind this.
Everything I have read on the topic places primary importance in forming attachments and it seems the primary objective with LAC is always to try to return them to their birth family where possible.
If this isn’t possible, where there is a loving relationship with a sibling, or at least not an abusive relationship, I would have thought following similar logic that even if one child is adopted, retaining a relationship with their birth sibling would be really important. It must be even more difficult to make sense of your identity if you are cut off from all members of your birth family.
“There is evidence that the presence of siblings minimizes the trauma of parental separations or losses. A twelve-month-old child spends nearly as much time interacting with older siblings as with the mother. Siblings may become transitional objects for one another during a placement. This is particularly important with very young children….Separating siblings can make it more difficult to children to deal with separation and loss, begin a healing process, make attachments, and develop a healthy self-image….Attachments are particularly strong between the caregiver child and the younger siblings. Separation of them may lead to lifelong grief.” - Vera Fahlberg, A Child’s Journey Through Placement.
I’m trying to understand the benefits of this lack of contact.
I appreciate from the adoptive family’s viewpoint that forming a new cohesive unit is important but I’m interested to understand when it is in the child’s best interest for that sibling contact to be entirely cut off.
According to S.P. Banks and M.D. Kahn, authors of The Sibling Bond, the bond between brothers and sisters is unique. “It is the longest lasting relationship most people have. It is often longer than the parent-child relationship. Most often it outlives the husband-wife relationship. While contact may lessen throughout the years, a person’s lifetime quest for personal identity is vitally interwoven with his or her siblings.”
I read that these are two of the potential reasons but to me they don’t seem particularly child-centred:
For some adoptive parents, fear is the reason they end contact between their child and his or her siblings. “We’ve had our son now for over a year. He rarely mentions his sister anymore. I guess I don’t see any importance in opening up old wounds. I am afraid of having to deal with his past,” one adoptive dad commented.
Other parents disrupt contact because they feel the child is now a member of their family. A fact that is true, but some parents desire to erase all memory of the child’s life before the adoption and begin with a blank slate. Joan, a new adoptive mom, put it this way: ” I want this child to have the opportunity to go on with his life, without the constant reminder of his past. Keeping him away from his two sisters will do that, won’t it?”
And I read this, which I guess is where my head is at – but I’d be interested to hear about when there are other factors (not things like abusive relationships between the siblings) which I’m not even considering:
• The best interest of the children must be the priority. For children who now have contact with their siblings, family must be open to some type of continued contact. If face-to-face contact is not possible because of distance or other uncontrollable factors, pictures should be exchanged and addresses shared so that the fear of losing the sibling to death or disappearance is minimized.
• Honor the child’s wishes about how and when he want to keep in touch with brothers and sisters. Contact between siblings who have been separated for a length of time must be handled with sensitivity and appropriate timing.
• Recognize that although the child has been adopted into a new family, memories of brothers and sisters cannot be erased, ignored, or denied. Although grafted into a new family tree, a portion of the roots may still cling to another.
I imagine it’s quite difficult for the siblings, particularly the one who remains in care (assuming they do) to see their sibling with a loving adoptive family if they have been less happy in their current situation – but could this be a secondary family for them, almost like distant relatives? Or am I expecting too much from the adoptive family here?
Apologies if this is a not a particularly well thought through post, I think I’m just thinking out loud!
Back on track
I was about to write a new post (above) about sibling contact but i thought perhaps i should first mention that my post below was on an "off", nervy day.
Having spoken to a tutor on my course, some incredibly helpful SW-ers on twitter and some friends and family, i feel encouraged that i'm still making the right decision and to continue to do my best throughout the MA/placements and any other opportunities i get and sell myself accordingly!
Apologies for the slightly whining post!
Having spoken to a tutor on my course, some incredibly helpful SW-ers on twitter and some friends and family, i feel encouraged that i'm still making the right decision and to continue to do my best throughout the MA/placements and any other opportunities i get and sell myself accordingly!
Apologies for the slightly whining post!
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